12/3/2014 1 Comment The end of the second chapter.As I sat on a balcony of one of our couch surfers in Amsterdam, I'm hit again with a forceful wave. Surrounding me are little bricks upon bricks making tons of box houses laying atop one another. Everything around me is squares and rectangles and in the middle a small scatter of trees just tall enough to outgrow the house garden surrounding it. My thoughts and lessons ping into every lit window, glowing with a moody yellow light, each window and door peering into these houses is made up of all my little thoughts and teachings, making up their own personality and shining outside of it's foundation made up of all the little bricks. The inlet, where the trees are... Is the peace, the inner spirit. The outer body, where the houses lay, is my mind, trailing with endless thoughts and the riddles and the ego and all the clutter of the outside world. It is at this point, I feel another chapter closing and a new one slowly rumbling up. The past weeks have been madness, constantly moving every couple days, bouts of discomfort, and some of the little struggles and unsettling feelings of being on the road 24-7. The beauty of traveling bears her face just as much with little reminders of what you're doing and why you're doing it. That being said, and as expected, there's always a point where the novelty wears off and you come into a new transition point where you begin again, and renew yourself into a new state of growth.
I wish so much that I could put the past couple weeks into sentences, telling you every detail, every high, every low, all the magic and trickery, all the trails that lead you here and there and the steps, the turns, the paths, the alleys, the vines and branches of unlocked secrets. But that's another cool part, there's no real way to put these moments into words, they're real and raw and each moment rips through you fast, until you get hit with a wave of reality. It's all a giant sling shot, building momentum until moving you into the next direction, the journey following the last. But alas, I will try. We have met so many amazing souls, countless challenges and faced a ton of fears, all teaching us the wisdom of life and the world. I feel so thankful to be doing this, every day, and I feel like a little child again discovering things for the very first time. Like trying to ride your bike without training wheels. Exciting at first, then scary, and fun again. You fall a whole lot but you get back on your bike and try again. My favorite thing about traveling never stays the same. Some days, it's waking up somewhere completely new, completely unexpected. Some days, that's my least favorite thing as I long for the comfort of my own bed. But this is my bed for now, the road, the unknown. I used to visit places and say to myself "I would like to live here someday." And now I tell myself "I am living here, right now, today, even if it's just for a day. This place is for now my home." Some days my favorite thing is all the incredible conversations you have with people, some days I don't want to talk at all, I just want to be alone. The reality is though, that these conversations are the one of the most crucial parts of traveling, one of the many things that unlocks so many parts of yourself and the unknown. To share ideas, or to be opened to new ideas, through others, is a beautiful thing. Being half way across the world, you're constantly meeting people who are either like you, or so completely different from you- but each offering you different knowledge or shining a light on something you’ve never realized before. It’s constantly humbling, because just when you think you’ve got it, or you’re on top- someone, or something, brings you back down to earth. (HOLY MOLY I HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN!) And just when you’ve hit a low- someone brings you back up on top of that mountain sharing these conversations and revelations. I can’t truly put any of these things into words, because it’s constantly evolving and shifting, as am I. Which brings me to this… something I am continuously learning, and keep coming to the realization of: Nothing extraordinary in this life is tangible. Of course, the people and the architecture and the nature, the beauty surrounding you- that is all spectacular and awe inspiring.. But it is all those poetic feelings flowing through your body, it is all what you feel deep inside, not something you can actually touch with your body, not the things I can put into words, but the things that touch you with their spirit. Those are the best things, the greatest gift one can give and be given. Love. Compassion. Empathy. Wisdom. This is constantly instilled in me by the giving and sharing aspect of traveling. How important it is to share with each other, but the most special things that are shared are sincerity and wisdom and the feelings of being on the same wave length with someone. The connection of all. The togetherness. Traveling is so brilliant because it becomes less and less about where you’re going and the things around you, and more about the people you meet, the spoken words you share, and as I stated… those feelings that freely flow through you and the fact that you never ever ever stop growing. The people that you meet, constantly, are the ones who help you and lead you on this path to growth, because they are the ones who give you those feelings, or share their knowledge, or help you hit a revelation…. Whether you are 10 years old, or 99 years old, we can all learn something from each other, and that is truly something special and grounding. We are all in this together, united by this earth and the human conscious and the ever connectedness of EVERYTHING. I never stop being utterly taken aback at how freaking cool that is, and even though I know it, I keep coming to that same realization every time I notice yet another thing being connected to something else. It is the proof that something grand is among us. Yet again, I wish I could better put this into the written language, but the best I can describe - yet in ONLY one way, is the example of this life being a tree. You start off as a seed, and keep growing from there. You establish your roots, where you came from and what grounds you to this earth. Then you establish branches. Each branch is another path, and there are branches among branches all creating where you are now, guiding your way to the next step… but you always keep growing, and these branches keep sprouting further and further. At the base, you can go back to your roots and always know who you are and where you came from, but it is equally as important to keep these branches going, reaching further into the unknown. Fear, holds us back from this growth. It stunts us and inhibits us from our true potential. Sadly, fear comes in all forms. Fear from money, health, government, our community of people we surround ourselves with, insecurity, jealousy, etc. Fear is a monster that will take the form of almost everything, to fight your spirit from growing. To fight it’s biggest enemy, LOVE. The more you let this fear grow, the less you grow, the more chained you become to all this unnatural anxiety and the more you project your fears onto others, trying to stunt their growth, because it is also something you fear. Day by day, I am working towards freeing myself from all these fears that are living inside of me, or being projected onto me. I know if I can unchain myself, I can truly be free as a bird flying and soaring among this earth. I can give the love inside of me to others, selflessly, all the time. That is my ultimate goal, but until then, I will cherish and embrace the wisdom others offer me, and hopefully give them back some of the love and knowledge inside of me as well. It is with gratitude and love that I grow, that we grow. The hustle and bustle that is the city life was a grand experience. I am always star struck by the long nights and glamorous lights every time, but often I am hypnotized by them and have to remind myself to come back down to earth. I loved Amsterdam, but my favorite parts were not amidst the city, but on a boat along the river, where we stayed with a new friend Paul and his three cats. Waking up and seeing my view on the water, in my temporary home, was what inspired me most. Falling asleep with the lights across the water, casting their brilliance among that perfection that is the water, is truly what brought me back to myself. Knowing and seeing that all was in harmony. It is easy to get distracted in the cities…. There is this force of energy that hits you when these tall buildings are soaking in the energies of all the people walking back and forth on these sidewalks in their own little worlds. It can be equally lovely and draining at the same time, which is kind of wonderful in it’s unique way, because it reminds you to stay grounded in a haze of craziness. So at this moment in time, I sit tending the desk of a beautiful Portuguese hostel in Porto, where we arrived today and will be doing our second workaway experience. It excites me to be in a smaller city, and I feel as if I can take a deep breath again to be staying here for longer than two days, as that was entirely too fast paced, mentally and physically draining for me. However, the two weeks of constant traveling were fun, exciting and enticing, I feel relieved to be able to settle in a little and actually be able to soak myself in the Portuguese culture. I myself found it difficult to be able to take in a culture when constantly moving around from place to place. I had a nice preview of Scotland (I must go back!) and a brief stint in the Netherlands, where I would also like to return, maybe with a few friends for a vacation. It’s strange how everywhere leaves a certain taste in your mouth, a certain imprint on your soul. I know some places I could stay and soak up their vastness for what could be forever, where as other places I know are too busy for me, but would be nice to visit again for shorter amounts of time. Some places completely swipe my heart, and others a piece of them instilled in me, carried around for the rest of my life. Certain places are like ‘bad boys’ stealing your heart for a moment and never giving part of it back to you, and others are like best friends- you know you’ll again pick up exactly where you left off, or a short lived romance that forever changes you, betters you. People and places certainly can give you the exact same feelings. Again… everything is connected. I bid you adieu with my thoughts of gratitude for all the people we’ve met along our travels, and have graced us with their kindness, lessons, or whatever else they may have done to forever change a piece of me. I will always carry a bit of you with me, for every single one of the folks I’ve met along the way, has most certainly altered my view of life in some way. Also, as if she doesn't already know this- I'm constantly thanking my lucky stars for my partner in crime, my travel companion and what I like to reference to our couch surfer requests as my spirit animal-- who bears with me in times of struggle, and balances me out. I think we make a pretty good team, and through all of our frustrations, rough edges, trials and tribulations- at the end of the day there's no one I'd rather travel with. (Something Paul reminded us, and I will continue to cherish as his best advice.) To my people back home, reading this, and constantly giving me their love- I love you and I hope you are all enjoying the holiday season with each other. I wish I could fly home, just to give out hugs and smiles. I also give you my gratitude for being in my life, as I miss you and promise you are always in my thoughts. For each one of you is truly remarkable, and I am so lucky to have you in my life, if even just for a brief period in time. As I type these last sentences, I am almost brought to tears from love. I love all of you so much! I kept joking to Mel that I'd find love in Portugal... and I think I just found it for a moment, at the thought of all of you. Thank you again for always inspiring me. You honestly have no idea. xoxo, mia laurén hall
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11/22/2014 0 Comments Full circle.First, an apology of sorts... After reflecting on my words last post, I realize I may have sounded a bit harsh and quite judgmental within my first impression of this place, but don't get me wrong- I love it here, and equally had a great time our first night in town. Maybe I'm just a brat, but I just wasn't kosher with dudes all up in my personal space. I don't claim feminism, but I do very much value respect. It is what it is though, as I know that this is just how some people operate regardless of where I am in the world. The club scene has never been for me, but I willingly put myself in that situation, knowing what I was getting myself into. I do however feel as if I may have given off a snobby impression of sorts within my first moments here and I'm left feeling a bit guilty, that I was attacking with words people who were just having a good time in a different way than I would behave. Just because I don't like that vibe, doesn't mean I should necessarily attack others for doing what they do. It's been a reminder and lesson to leave my judgements behind and just try to embrace each moment with an open mind, even the parts that make me a bit uncomfortable or aren't what I'm normally keene on. Not that I have to justify myself to anyone, but I just felt like I should apologize for speaking so heavily upon my ego, and for being a jerk to people who were nothing but friendly towards me, just not in a way I deemed appropriate. Anyways! Back to the good stuff.... The day after we arrived, we awoke in the morning, emerged from our dark room and looked out the window- instantly, I became drunk off this city. This was our first view amongst the daylight, and it was completely enchanting. The antiquity of all the buildings, the castle in the distance... I feel as if I've been dropped smack dab in the middle of a different century. After we got ourselves together, we ventured out among the town. We wandered in and out of thrift shops, and treated ourselves to a couple new outfits as we decided we were ready to shed some of the stuff we initially brought with us. We stopped in a cafe and had a coffee while we tried to organize a plan for the following day. Another new friend we had met the night before had offered us to stay at their flat, so we accepted and made a plan to visit some castles outside of Edinburgh, as the castle there is quite pricy. That night, Aaron took us to the Student Union from the Uni and we had some beer and nachos. We wandered to a pub after to try his personal favorite brew- Innis and Gunn... delicious! After we chatted for a while, we headed back to his flat, called it an early night and headed to bed. The following day, we visited the castles with Cyrus. It was beautiful and amazing to see the ruins of these ancient places. We made our way to Seacliff Beach, and as we parked, I noticed what seemed to be another castle sitting atop the hill in front of us. After we walked around the beach for a little bit, we decided to sneak up the hill and see if we were able to access the castle. Feeling rebellious, we snuck on the property and Cyrus told us that it wasn't quite a castle, but an old home... But it was my favorite among all the places we visited that day because it was completely abandoned and overgrown with all sorts of greenery! I've always wanted to explore abandoned places because there's something so captivating about the fact that nature will always defeat man made structures. After doing my research later, I found out this home was called the Seacliff House, built in 1750, and burned down in 1907. I'll post some pictures at a later time. Yesterday, Mel and I walked around Leith (where Trainspotting takes place! woo!) and on a whim, waltzed ourselves into a tattoo shop and decided to get one of the Icelandic magical staves tattooed. When we were in Reykjavik, Sindri showed us all of the staves and the runes and we both fell in love with Draumstafir.... which means "to dream of unfulfilled desires." It was so fitting and perfect for our journey that we're on, and the perfect way to take a little bit of Iceland with us forever. The staves are 17th century symbols, which are said to have magic attached to them! Even after we left, I still go crazy for how awesome Iceland is. Sindri also showed us some of the Norse mythology, and I can't wait to start reading more about that, I'm so intrigued by that place and want to know everything about it! Draumstafir - to dream of unfulfilled desires Following that adventure, we headed back to have dinner and wine with Cyrus. He made the most delicious Thai/Indian fusion dish and Melissa and I were in heaven... I could've kept eating for days. We finished off the wine, and decided to have another night on the town, one in which I found to be extremely better and more inspiring than the club night (THIS was what I was looking for the first night we trailed among the city!) We weaved our way in and out of various pubs until we arrived at Victorias, where we got to meet some amazing people, all from different parts of the world!
The beautiful transition of culture is always beguiling. Between so many people each from their own roots, there is just an energy that unites when folks come together to share their stories where they're from and what their purpose is. It's beautiful. A completely different vibe and moment from what I had felt in Iceland, but something I come feeling like a child while experiencing because of the uniqueness yet togetherness that we all feel at once. Everything is always absolutely perfect, you are constantly overwhelmed by this feeling of change, yet comforted by the unity that is brought about by meeting complete strangers and instantly feeling as if you've met someone you were supposed to cross paths with. It's strange, for when you're out and about as a foreigner you have this sense that you appear out of place- but as soon as you pursue conversation with someone, they are welcoming and just as much intrigued to you as you are them. Beautiful- this way of life to meet strangers and feel this complete comfort within the exchange of small talk and random conversation. You are immediately welcomed and feel as if this was your hometown bar by the way they make you feel as if you've known them your entire life. You trade stories and laughs for this sense of ease that you might not find in chat with someone from your hometown. I feel it to be easy and exciting rather than burdened with anxiety and discomfort that I would normally find in a hometown setting. Isn't it strange how you actually find yourself feeling more free amongst strangers than you do the folks who have known you for years? It seems completely odd to me yet makes perfect sense that you are understood by ones who don't put you in a box of "how you are supposed to be" or "who you were in former days." It's relieving, yet I speculate how and why it feels that way. I don't particularly feel as if I'm a different person, yet I feel as if I have conquered parts of myself that were stale upon living in my home town. You see, as you present yourself in your hometown as the person you have been for years, you feel quite stifled as the person you have grown to be. It seems almost impossible to redirect your energy as the one you are at this moment, for there are those who constantly hold and repetitiously plague you as the one you may have been when you were younger. This is the weird paradox of life as though you transcend into a different person, while maintaining the same heart and principles you may have had before. Here always concludes the "revolutionary" change that most don't understand or see happening- in which they judge you for- but nonetheless it happens and you are awakened into a sense of newness and change. You are warped to what you thought was the end all be all, to new sorts if thoughts and education that you had unheard of before.... And that is evolutionary. As I end this entry, I find myself seeing the irony between this post and the last. But things must always come full circle, and I am much more at ease by the beauty I was welcomed into last night, than the night we arrived. I suppose you always find what you're looking for, and I did just that. But at the same, it's nice to experience both so that I could fully appreciate the people and conversation that was presented to me. I had to go through the first to get here, and in this frame of mind is where I'd rather stay. I am grateful to have both lessons though, as they are valuable in each sense. Life is copacetic. 11/18/2014 0 Comments Welcome to the jungle...If this flight is any premonition of the time awaiting us in Edinburgh, we’re in for a treat. I’ve never been on a plane with such interaction. Everyone is chatting with each other, it’s loud, and people are walking up and down the isles like nothing, I'm even pretty sure I just caught a glance of someone dancing. At first I was slightly annoyed, as I was hoping to catch a little shut eye before we arrived, but now I’m burning with excitement. I’m hoping that this is the type of energy that we’re going to experience, packed with fun, conversation, and romping around the old streets of the city. Where there was peace in Iceland, I’m crossing my fingers that we’re in for a whole lotta good times in Scotland. We only had one night out in Reykavik, as that trip was more tranquil than anything else. Which was absolutely wonderful and rejuvenating- But I am more than ready to strap on these boogie shoes, and let loose. There’s nothing that frees my spirit more than dancing to some live music, and I feel as if the streets of Edinburgh are the perfect place to do so.
I’m anxiously anticipating our arrival, as I have absolutely no idea what we’re in for. Where I was previously obsessed with Iceland before we had even booked our ticket there, this ticket was booked on a whim and I have little to no clue about Scotland. (Except for Nessie!) With my anticipation building, I’m sure that this is gonna be a good spot. It’s often the places you seek the least that are the ones who bring the most fortune. As we begin to descend, the pulse builds. I ear for ear, adhere my headphones... I choose Duffy this time, and can't help but groove and sway my head to (This. Sick. Beat. ;)) I see the lights from my window busting through my corneas and I'm radiating with excitement. I know at this moment that I am truly in for a surprise. This city is going to put me under it's spell and I just know it. Welcome to Edinburgh! We've landed, grabbed our bags and peddled our way outside to grab a cigarette. We collect ourselves, and figure out our bus route... hop on, and we're off to the city. These people are driving on the wrong dang side of the road! I can read the billboards again! The shock rushes through me. We contemplate which stop would be best for us to make our way to our destination, and low and behold... we chose the wrong stop. Not only that, but we somehow gave ourselves the wrong destination... and trekked 20 minutes with 50 lb backpacks on in the opposite way of where we were supposed to be headed. We stopped and asked a couple people for directions, and set off on our way again, our backs burning with weight. We decided to pause and take a break for a second, and I cried "this is where the magic happens, right?!?" We laugh, regain our composure, and headed off into the distance yet again. Finally we make it to our destination. This time, we are staying with a new friend, Aaron, and we chat with him for what seems hours before we make a plan and decide to venture off. Aaron has school tomorrow, so unfortunately he was not able to join us on our first night in Edinburgh. We went back and forth for a moment whether or not to call it a night, or trail amongst the night in hopes to find somewhere to boogie. We decide to make our ways outdoors, and again- we're off! We traced our night though town like we had something to prove. All we wanted was a small pub with live music, of course this would be a little more difficult than we thought. We stop at the first pub we see- and the tender tells us she's closing in a matter of 5 minutes. We grab a shot, and head on our way looking for another bar that'll stay open to our plea of needing to get this feet a dancin. We find another bar, same story. Another- again closed. Luckily this one had a couple of lads outside and directed us on a path that would lead us to a couple of bars that were open til 3. We trekked on, and sure enough, found the first bar that he mentioned and decided to give it a go. After a tryst of failure, we decided - why not?! This was not quite a club, yet not quite the dive bar we were seeking. We stepped inside, and to quite our surprise- cheap drinks. We elated in this factor and ordered a whiskey and coke to start our night off rignt. I examined the room and immediately knew what I was in for. The ratio from men to women was far outdoing on the men side of the spectrum- even a male pointed this factor out as he continued to chat up Melissa. I tried to embrace it for what it was- I'm only in Edinburgh for however nights and I didn't want to waste it on a "bro" bar killing my vibe. I stuck to myself with my BFF in plain sight- we both agreed to keep an eye on each other as the night played forward. I wandered about and sipped my drink as it was my key to the dance floor. Suddenly, Lauryn Hill played and I knew it was my time. I slurped down the rest of my drink and made my way to the floor. Following, came a slew of boys looking for that one thing that would end their night on a high note. I was not about this, as I have a little more self respect than what's presented at my feet. You know how your parents tell you how guys are out for one thing? That was apparent tonight. I ballerina-ed my way around the dance floor. One male in particular followed me around like a parasite clinging his arm around me like I was his prey. No way, dude... Don't touch me. I twirled my ways around avoiding the testosterone as much as I could. Biggie smalls came on, and suddenly everyone turned into huge gangsters straight out of the hood. I laughed to myself at the irony of hipster boys acting like they suddenly have a glock in their pocket. Despite the relentless factors trying to dampen our night, I somehow had a good night on my own. I threw my hands in the air, closed my eyes, and danced, danced, danced. 11/18/2014 0 Comments Farwell, my friend.After 28 days, almost exactly a month, I'm waving goodbye to Iceland. And while goodbyes are usually sad and heartbreaking, this one is not. Of course I'm little bummed my time here is over for now, but I know with every part of me that this is not the only time I will be greeted by this place. My new love, dearest Iceland, I promise you I'll be back. Ive gotten to know a little about you this past month, and you've let me in on a few of your secrets. But I want to know you better, and I will. Let me just tell you one thing about Iceland. When you're here, you don't care about the string of potholes your car is crawling over. You don't care about the wind chill creeping in your skin as you see these glamorous life scapes reaching out from every vantage point. You don't care about the lack of tunes coming through your speaker, because you're somewhere so desolate that it can't pick up on the airwaves. You notice all those things, and laugh at how something so small literally impacted your day in a negative way back at home. Here you are surrounded by so much beauty, that you don't have a single second to worry... Because here in iceland, the bumps, the cold, the silence, are all things that add to this adventure, all things you're equally as grateful for... Here, the bumps only add to it's essence as you not only see Iceland's curvaceous peaks, but you feel them. The cold wakes you up and exhilarates you and the silence is your moment of pure peace. It's because the energy here is completely different. You can taste it, breathe it, feel it, see it. When I left home, I only hoped for some sort of peace, but the elusive vibe this place has is unspeakable. I feel as if I met a place that I've been yearning so long to shake hands with, but as we met, Iceland is not just a place anymore, but a part of me that was waiting to find the girl I was before I arrived. It is as if we were destined to meet and fall in love, like when you meet another soul who you know was meant to cross your path. Like their energy, I found the same type here. I feel forever connected to this place and instead of leaving a little bit of my heart with it, I'm bringing it with me, within me. I have to say, that for the past month, I truly took the time to focus on myself and only myself. Not in a selfish way, in a way that I needed. I for once was not looking for love and nourishment from anyone else, because I was finding it in myself and that was such a beautiful thing to experience. I know that in need for me to love outwardly, and give my all to others, I have to take care of myself first, and I have begun to do that. I feel much calmer and less weighed down by the busy minds around me, for the only validation I'm looking for anymore is from within. I couldn't be happier that I decided to take this journey, because I know I unlocked something within myself that has been waiting to be set free. For that I am forever grateful. Turning this page feels surprisingly easy, inspiring, and awesome. I know that this was just the beginning of this story, journey, and a web of new adventures awaits us. I feel as if I get to freshly start anew again and I can't wait to see what's ahead, what unravels within the next few happenings, the new lessons that are awaiting me in my next place of arrival. We're boarding our plane later today, and I anticipate our land at the next destination. Where we chose to go was completely by chance, and somewhere neither of us really had in mind as an essential place to dance upon.. But as the hours turn over, and excitement rushes back, I am reminded of the random and that you just may never know where you'll end up. One of the best parts of traveling is the mystery, the unexpected, the way things never go according to plan (what plan?!), and thats what makes this feel so adventurous and filled with spontaneity. We had no idea where we would drift to next, and the only "plan" we have now, is where we are to stay for the next couple of days. To Iceland, and the awesome people I got to meet while here- I'll see you again someday. Thank you so much for your kindness, and welcoming me open arms into your home. I will never forget any of the times I shared here, and am forever grateful for all the generosity that you supplied me with. Also, thank you for showing me a part of myself, and unlocking one little piece of myself that had been waiting to be set free. I feel lighter, and more full at the same time. The (thicker) red is the footprints we left during our stay in Iceland. The line is where we hitchhiked from, and the circles are all the places we visited. I bid you adieu with this photograph, from the night we visited Kleifarvatn, one of the locations from where my favorite Sigur Ros video was filmed. I'll follow with a link, so you may watch it yourself if you'd like. This was a "bucket list" for me, and while I'll be back to see the big cliff (krysuvikurberg) from the video, at least I got to see a small fragment of one of the things that inspired me to come here. We arrived here at sunset, and it was perfect. The sea is surrounded by cliffs, and here I am standing on one. I feel as if this picture can only briefly capture a moment of the peace you can find here, for it is truly mesmerizing. I bop my head back and forth to the tune on the radio with my best friend singing in the back seat. I look to my left, and past Sindri, who's taking the wheel, and there lies the peace tower, reaching into the heavens and cascading it's light among the clouds. To my right, are the shadows of mountains and valleys still as beautiful in the darkness as they are when the sunshine kisses them hello. The city burns it's lights in the distance, while the wind howls straight through the car, muffling the music, and in this moment, there's no place I'd rather be. I find happiness here as we trail on a new adventure, and excitement courses through my body for what each moment following this one may bring. What more could anyone ask for then to be in the middle of nature with a couple of friends and a unnecessary collection of hot sauce? I'm not too sure, but what I do know, is that every morning I awake, and every night I fall asleep, everything inside of me always feels different. So within these moments I share with my friends, the laughs, the frustrations, the uncertainties, and joy- the memories are forever molding my inner being into being better, more comfortable with myself.
The journey I'm experiencing on the outside is never dull, always beautiful, and inspiring, full of curves and spins and the unexpected view from every turn. But the journey going on within me is something I have yet been able to put into proper words. Sometimes it's hit me all at once, like when we left the egg farm. Other times it's slow and unnoticeable, but constant none the less. Sometimes it's joyous and happy, other times it's uncomfortable and strange, full of burden and anxiety. Sometimes I feel full of self love, while others I feel completely questionable and vulnerable to all my darkest thoughts that crept up on me in the past. While I continue to shed myself, I have realized that my biggest insecurity and fear is not being accepted and nourished by others. It plagues me and my thoughts as I think back to the things and words others have used against me, creating the very scars that have left me feeling this way. I realize within that, that I have never truly been able to be the girl I am for fear of not being well liked, or fear of hearing people say negative things about me. Within that, I see just how much I've grown to be able to pour these words, day after day, letting everyone know just how vulnerable I am, yet still peddling forward to keep delving myself in this world where I no longer quiet myself for the chance that there may be 1, or 100 people who don't like what I have to say. I know they're out there, and regardless of who it might be, I have a voice inside of me whispering all the things they "might" be saying. The old person I knew for the past 26 years of my life would have let that voice stifle me, forever worried what they might be saying, and not letting myself shine for I refused to take another knife in the gut that would tear me apart. The girl I am slowly becoming is no longer listening to that voice (as much), for I know people are always going to have something to say, and anyone who has a negative thought about me, it's their problem and no longer mine. I refuse to carry the weight of the world on my shoulder, and let the negativity that so many people hold be something I carry within myself, as a fear that I have let grow inside of me for far too long. This is my life, my journey, my time to shine, and no one else's to worry about. In fact, if they are worried about what I'm doing, they are wasting their precious time. The short amount I have spent traveling has taught me so much about myself. So much of these opinions I have held upon myself, are at the basis of what others think, and they, at the end of the day are just opinions. I am learning to remind myself of that daily, and thank myself for giving myself the opportunity to really show, not anyone else, but myself who I really am, and what I'm capable of. So here I am, right now, in the middle of no where, hidden among complete darkness, finding my light. Accepting and embracing just another part of me that I thought would hold me down forever. Day by day, I am releasing these fears, these insecurities, and no longer letting them haunt me. I still have an unhealthy amount of cords to cut, and demons to let go of, but each day I feel more and more free from the anchors that hold my spirit down and try their best to suffocate me. I am certain that hell is not a place you go to after life, it is the haunting places within yourself, that set you back from being the best human you can truly be, full of light and love. Just as hell exists within you, I believe heaven as well exists within you, all around you, and as you let go of all these forces dragging you down, you will at some point reach that true pure light that is within. I yearn for the day, I can truly cast all my fears, burdens, doubts and insecurity into the sea, and envelop myself in the light. But I also know that this is the beauty in which life exists- as we are all warriors here fighting this war amongst the positive and negative energies living within our minds, and each day that I step back onto the battlefields I feel the utmost gratitude to be here in this realm, enjoying the external and internal beauty that surrounds us. People say words are just words, but I beg to differ, for there is a powerful force working as I release my written thoughts out for all to see. For within these words is a glimmer of my being, a small fragment of my soul, slowly but surely unraveling for anyone to see. And while I write this down, I'm freeing my thoughts into the atmosphere without fear of judgement, because I now know that the judgement others hold onto, are not as strong as the part of me I'm releasing. Freedom is beckoning, and I'm weak at the knees hearing it's call. While it may take me years to truly find the keys to these shackles, I feel at ease knowing that with each page I write, I stand up to fear, look it in the eye and say "You will not defeat me today." * Following our drive, we arrived at the cabin we rented out for the next couple days, fully equipped with a hot tub. Immediately upon arrival, that was my first goal... Get me in the dang hot tub. Eventually after settling, we managed to run outside in the chilling winds, and climb into the warm waters, rinsing off all the stress from the days past. None of us said a word to eachother the entire time we bathed in the moonlight, each of us sat there completely content to where we were in that moment. I was awestruck as I watched the wind play with the trees and make them dance. The wheatgrass beneath them seemed to play the piano everytime the wind came, striking down on the keys, making it's own song to play along with the hooting of the wind. Those little things, the eensy peak of magic that comes every now and again, is what keeps my spirit glowing, for I know, and continuously am proven and amazed by all the beauty that is in this world. Daylight has come, and we are taking a drive to go hiking, and as I'm peering out my window, taking in the vast hills, the grand mountains, the emerald moss and wheat grass that's burning with sunlight, I have a moment where I realize that this is what's inside of me. Inside of my soul are hills upon hills and mountains and curves and crevasses some bursting with sunshine, and some reaching for the light among the shadows. Every inch of beauty that is cast before my eyes is also living inside of me. I no longer feel as if I'm a tiny little girl enveloped by these never ending peaks and valleys, for I am as big as them, as inside my body lives a landscape mimicking this one. In more ways then one, Iceland is a complete metaphor for who I am. In the grand scheme of things, this country is so very small, but packed to the brim with it's vastness. For such a tiny place, there is no way you can discover all it's secrets and hidden gems in just a short amount of time, for every time you open your eyes to discover this place you find something new. We spent the day exploring new places. We made our way to Hraunfossar, where there were a series of mini waterfalls all lined up doing their dance. I swear, I could stare at water for hours, it is one of the most peaceful and elusive things I've come to worship. Water is not just water, but magic. It is always dancing, swirling, sometimes brilliantly moving fast, and then finding it's peace somewhere else. It is the calmest thing I know, even when it's making the most movement. It is simple, clear, yet ever complicated and full of colors. I remember back to a time where Lyndsey and I were sitting at Olcott beach discussing how water might be the purest form of molecules in existence. Our conversation went rampant discussing the gracious attitude that water carries, and then spiraled into other conversations about different realms of existence. One of my favorite memories, and I think about the pureness of it every time I'm met with the water again. I also think of Grace Potters "nothing but the water" and believe she was truly onto something when she powerfully belts out to let the water wash her down. For I know, that such a simple thing that we take for granted, has the power of washing away all my worries in just single moments. I continued to watch the water, and let everything dissipate around me. I find my peace, and am silent for the rest of the day. After this, we went looking for hot springs and stumbled upon a lava cave. It was huge, and cut out at the top was another gaping hole looking into the heavens above me. The calmness inside of this place was palpable as the wind from the outside was no longer showing me it's force that was carrying my footsteps further. We climbed down the rocks and into the darkness that completely consumes you. It's quiet here and I like it. I think I'd like to wrap myself up in a cave someday and take a nap. The fact that nature can make something like this is absurd to me. In fact, the fact that nature has made something as beautiful as this entire island, continues to be unfathomable every day that I continue exploring here. The rest of the cave was blockaded, so we made our way back to the car, the winds blasting me as I followed the trail that I imagined the elves laid out for us. We returned to our cabin, and ended the day in the hot tub once again, watching the grey clouds uncover a luminance pink candy sky beneath it. I watched it for what seemed like hours, changing it's shapes and speed, while I sat perfectly still letting the warmth relax the lower half of my body, while my head and shoulders were exposed to the awakening wind chill. I called it an early night and sent myself into a strange slumber full of dreams and pictures in my mind. My sleeping state woke me up at some point in the night and I felt as if it was clueing me in to a different state of consciousness I was about to access. I'm not sure if it was just my dream state, or that mid awakening state when you're half asleep and half awake, but I'd like to think that my subconscious was whispering a secret that I might be unlocking something else extraordinary come sooner days. Regardless of what it was, I needed that long slumber to wrap myself up and be reminded of all the amazing waking and sleeping states that we all have access to. For maybe I'm not arriving to the other dimensions to our reality, but opening up new realms within myself, and I'm content with that.... ...For now. 11/12/2014 2 Comments Little girl.When you begin to live out of a backpack, you’re opened up to a new level of yourself, as you begin to look inward more deeply. No longer is your curling iron, a plethora of makeup, or an unnecessary amount of clothing at your disposal. You’re limited to maybe three outfits. You have to look beyond those surface things for confidence, as you struggle with yourself and who you really are. Your winged eyeliner that makes you feel pretty, that’s not you. Your collection of boots and beautiful shawls, that’s not who you are either. It’s all inside. And of course you already knew that, but those were your crutches you turned to express that little girl inside of you. Those were the tiny things that made you feel beautiful. At the end of the day though, they’re just things. While you know there are certain character traits that make you the beautiful human that you are, you’re unsure of yourself. Because you can’t turn to those superficial things, there are some days when you look in the mirror and don’t see a lovely girl looking back at you- you see the mask uncovered and you see the lack of confidence that you really own. You question yourself, you battle with the question of who you really are, and why that crawling anxiety is always taking up space in your mind, in your stomach, down to the aches you feel in your toes. Why am I so unbelievably hard on myself? Why can’t I look in the mirror and love that girl with every fiber of my being? Why is my ego always hanging over me like a black cloud? Why can’t I see that eternal love that is within all of us, in myself? Why can’t I convince myself that I’m the same beauty that is curtaining the mountaintops, the sun, the sky, the universe? What is it that I feel like I’m lacking to make me feel fulfilled? I know these aren’t questions I can so easily answer, for it’s just something I have to keep working on to really understand and appreciate the soul that’s covered in this body. It’s so stupid really, juvenile to only feel beautiful when you’re covered in things you love because you’re lacking the awareness of the love that runs through your veins. You constantly give it to other people, but forget to give it to yourself. At the exact same time, you constantly feel like you’re too selfish, too inconsiderate, too this, too that, to ever feel like you might be a shining star bursting with magnificence. It’s all those old scars that have shelved your insecurity from all the people who have damaged your ego with their ego. But your ego is the last thing that matters, and you know that. You know that who you are on the outside isn’t anything compared to who you are on the inside, because it’s within that’s going to change you, it’s within that’s going to make you who you are, whoever that might be. You know that there are things about you, good things, amazing things… you’re aware, but you don’t entirely believe them because you’re constantly comparing yourself to others, more creative, more intelligent, more kind. There will always be people who out-do you, and because of that, you feel inadequate. There will always be people who don’t like you, and because of that, you feel unworthy. There will always be people who with every force they can manage, will try to break you as a person (to make themselves feel more adequate), and because of that, you’ve labeled yourself as having a black heart, incapable of feeling anything… But deep down, you know you feel it all. A girl who was once the most sensitive person she knew, is now someone who shelves away a colossal amount of feelings, and doesn’t know exactly how to feel them anymore. How did I get this way? Of course I know. Because I let other people be in control of my happiness, I let other people break me down so much, that I forgot who I was, I forgot that I wasn’t the mean things they said I was. I wasn’t my mistakes, I wasn’t my flaws, I was more than that. Of course I didn’t and don’t always act out of pure love. We are all doing something terrible to one another and I’m just as guilty as the next person, but I’m trying to grow from that, because I realize that this world would be a much better place if we could all see the potential we have as human beings. We could completely change the vibrations if only we made the effort. Something I will never understand, is why other people feel the need to take stabs at another, to make themselves feel more worthy on this planet. For I know that we are all full of so much love, capable of giving so much to each other, yet we are completely only operating on our egos and out for ourselves. We are all somehow only managing to destroy everyone else’s inner peace, in hopes to somehow make ourselves feel a little better, because we are all so “broken” in a world where attack is the first instinct before love. Because of all this abundance of insecurity that we all try to mask, we bring forth jealousy, fear, and hate. We cry wolf in the name of love, but in all reality, most love isn’t love, it’s fear. We try to diminish others self worth, to build ours up, but only manage to hurt the people we “care” for, in fear of losing them. The more you manage to hurt another being, the more you feel in control of something. And as soon as someone feels as if they’re losing an ounce of control over this person, they twist the knife deeper, damaging this very same person they claim to be so full of love for. It’s the most selfish thing I’ve ever witnessed, and the sad part is, most of us are doing this every single day to almost everyone we say we love. Disgusting isn’t it? Isn’t that the exact opposite of the way you want to behave towards the people you love? We expect these same people to continue loving us when we treat them so horribly, because we aren’t treating ourselves with the respect we deserve. So we take it outward and start hurting the ones around us, the ones who see the beauty inside of us… the ones who stick around when you’re being your worst self. So I ask you, the mere few people who are reading this, as I struggle with my self image today, to take a look at yours… Are you loving the people you love? Or slowly but surely destroying them? Remind the people you care about how much they’re worth, how great they’re doing. Chances are, they’re doing their best. Thanksgiving is just around the corner my American friends, and on that day we give our thanks to things around us we are grateful of. But why not try doing that everyday? Before I go to bed, I say a long list of gratitude towards the people and places I’m glad I have around me. Almost every single night I do this. Why? Because it’s important. In a place where we often forget to be grateful, gratitude is one of the most crucial part of being. We should, every day, be giving our thanks and showing our appreciation towards the people among our lives. Not just our friends, sisters, brothers, parents, but towards every heart that’s beating on our planet. Because we are all here. We are all doing our best. We’re all in this together. We are all looking in the mirror day after day, putting on our masks, pretending, covering up our insecurity with harsh words and actions. We are forgetting to go back to our inner most being, and to be covering the world with love. I see it every day, plastered all over every social media platform I’m a part of. Hate, complaint, discouragement. Why? No one is ever telling you you have to like everything, but appreciate those for who they are. Do you know then when you “hate on” something, it’s really jealousy? Insecurity? Fear? It’s really you just not feeling validation with whom you are inside that makes you get so angry and feel so hateful towards another persons actions? Is that really the world you want to continue to live on? We are all beautiful, and we are all different, yet burning with the same love inside of us. Some of us, a little more hurt than others, and those ones, usually need the love the most. I’m entirely guilty of all of this, but I am also trying my hardest day after day. I’m a fighter, and I will keep fighting the hate that’s inside my body. Most of it, is hate towards myself, but the more hate you hold onto, the more seeps out into the world, and veers our vibrations in a negative way. I don’t want to, and will not, continue to live that way. I refuse to keep hating myself when I know that I have so much potential to love, and act out of pure love. The people who have hurt me in the past, I don’t hate them. I can’t say that I love all of them, because I would be lying. I don’t love each one, but I appreciate all of them, for now that I’ve taken my happiness back into my reigns, I can see what they have done for me. Each person who has hurt me, intentionally or not, has helped mold me into this person that I’m slowly embracing. I’m fist for fist with the poison that has been seeping in my veins since I was just a little girl. The poison that blossomed to the ball of insecurity that I've held onto. You’re anorexic, you have bug eyes, you’re an idiot. No, I’m not. I’m none of those things. I am not my insecurities that have clung to me since I was 11 years old. I'm much more than that. I’m a girl who has a bottomless pit for a stomach and can’t gain a pound for the life of her. (And I struggle with self image issues, JUST LIKE YOU...) I’m a girl with her mothers beautiful eyes, and a story just as big. I’m a girl who will continuously lack common sense because her brain is over working and preoccupied on way too many other things then to see that she might just set herself on fire if she isn’t careful. I’m a girl who pours herself onto paper, in hopes to get her analytical over-working mind to stop for just a single second. I'm a girl who has the guts to show the world how I really feel inside, imperfect, learning how to be happy with herself. I’m a girl who embraces the beauty of the world day after day, and coming to terms with accepting that the same love runs through her. I’m a girl who loves to laugh, mainly at herself and how silly she is. I’m a girl who loves to sing my heart out to pop music, and get lost in the blues. I’m a girl who grew up singing Lynyrd Skynyrd with her father, and got my boogie shoes from him and his mama. I’m a girl who loves to dance with her stringy arms and lanky long legs no matter how awkward she looks. I’m a girl who profusely believes in the power of love, time and time again, no matter how much the power of hate has went up against it. I’m a girl who refuses to do anything but wear her heart on her sleeve, because she knows that love is the biggest power of all. I'm a girl, a little girl, but don't let that fool you, cause I'm embodying a really big heart, which is not, broken, or black, but bursting.
11/9/2014 0 Comments Blöndúos II… and beyond.Yesterday So here we are, ending the chapter of our time in Blonduos. After a lot of consideration, discussion, and deliberation, Mel and I chose to leave the farm a few days earlier than we originally had expected. It was a tough choice, because we didn’t want to give up easy, let anyone down, or go back on our word. After going back time and time again, we realized, if we stayed, neither one of us would be staying true to ourselves and our happiness. And that has been our biggest lesson thus far. Just because we want something to work out, doesn’t mean it will. Sometimes you just have to do what’s best for you, and at the end of the day, leaving was something we had to do, no matter how scary the confrontation may be, no matter if we were letting someone down, we would’ve been letting ourselves down more if we stayed here any longer. We poured our hearts into this, worked our asses off, and at the end of the day, it just wasn’t working out. And that’s okay. We were exhausted, and wanted to move on. I can’t say the work was too hard, it wasn’t. I can’t say we were mistreated, we weren’t. In fact, the work was incredibly easy (there was a lot of it some days, but it wasn’t difficult), and we were treated beyond well. We just weren’t happy here, and we woke up everyday wanting a break from the farm and to be out exploring places, meeting people, and doing things that made our hearts sing. Being on such a beautiful island, we have that opportunity, it’s awaiting us, and so we chose to go that route instead. I think I can speak for both of us when I say that we are more than grateful for our time and experience here, and learned a great deal. Our biggest problem was swallowing our pride and admitting to this lovely family and to ourselves that this just wasn’t for us. We would work, and then have hours upon hours in isolation that led us to sitting behind our computers or phones, which was exactly what we didn’t want to do. On days where it was nice enough to go outside, we went… (which I mean on days that there wasn’t pounding winds and below freezing and snowy.) Those days were few and far between. Most of the time, the weather was terrible enough that we couldn’t even take the car into town. It was suffocating us, and making us feel like we didn’t really have room to breathe on our own account. I understand fully that these things will happen along my journey, and that not everything is going to be silver-platterish… I never have expected that, and have even taken some of the burdens surprisingly well, and kept my spirits as high as possible in times where I felt miserable and exhausted. Regardless of our choice to leave, we had some great times here… I mentioned in earlier posts about how I got to try amazing food, meet a great family, do something new, hang out with horses… Mel and I took a hike into a valley of some mountains and found a running stream and just sat out there for what seemed like hours, gazing at our beautiful view. The farm looking so tiny from where we were, and the sea so big. A metaphor for our journey here. For this is just a grain of sand on our travels. While this small experience is just one door that we’re closing, there is a sea amidst us, awaiting to be swam in. We are going back to Reykjavik, and staying with Sindri once again. With him we have plans to see one of my bucket list spots, and some other amazing places he’s mentioned that we need to see before we part our ways from this amazing place. I’m sad that we’re leaving behind a wonderful family, gracious that they opened their doors to us, but I know this is the best decision for us, and it’s true to how we feel in our hearts. Earlier Today Telling Rakel last night that we were leaving was one of the hardest moments I think we’ve had to deal with so far. They had been spending the past week in London, while we stayed with the grandmother, and we were planning to tell them when they got back. When they pulled up, my throat was in my stomach… I wanted to puke at the thought of having to tell such good people that we were just… leaving. We had to though, it was the choice we made, and we needed to stick by ourselves and what we knew we wanted to do. She was understanding and great about it, but my heart was still heavy after we broke the news. We stayed up late chatting with her, and she assured us over and over that it was okay, and we could return whenever, if we ever desired… even if it was just to visit. After it got late (we still had to work one last time the next morning), we headed back to the skemma and debriefed before we put on a movie, and headed to bed. Then with a chance of luck, Mel happened to look out the window and saw the northern lights. We ran outside and they were the best we’ve been able to see them thus far. Mel said that was her sign that we made the right choice, mine came later. This morning we awoke, and hurried straight to work. We wanted to try and leave by one, and still had packing and cleaning to do. Both in the chicken farm, and of our own possessions. We finished our very last day of chicken farming with pride and satisfaction. It was glorious. As we headed back to the house after we finished our work, I noticed how the sun was touching the sea, gracefully sparkling atop the mountain tops and hitting every single area around us outside of the farm. Yet the farm didn’t have a bit of it shining with sunshine, it was dim and shadowed by the brilliance beyond it. And that was my moment, that was when I knew that there were greater things waiting for us beyond where we were standing in that current moment. That was my sign. We packed up our belongings, cleaned up the skemma, and Rakel drove us into town. As we were getting out of the car, she said something to us that will stick with me the rest of my life. “This is YOUR trip, remember to do what YOU want.” I will hold those words close to my heart for the rest of my travels, and my journey that is this life. I couldn’t think of a better way to have parted with someone, as I took one of the most valuable lessons from this woman right before we said our goodbyes. Wanting to save our cash on the $56 bus ticket, we decided to hitchhike. And before you have a heart attack (mom ;P) we had heard from many of the Icelanders how safe and easy hitchhiking is here. (Seriously Iceland never stops being cool, or blowing my mind at how awesome of a country this place is.) So we decided to do it (it was so fun!), and within about 10 minutes, 10 cars… I said “this one’s going to stop”…. and they did. And we got to meet the two of the coolest gals! We shared stories, they shared their treats, until we got to the tunnel through the sea that takes you into Reykjavik. They were headed to Akranes, so we parted ways and continued our journey. Two more women and their daughter picked us up next. They were friendly as well, and took us all the way back to our destination. Seriously I couldn’t be more grateful for the amount of kindness we’ve received since we’re came to this place. It’s unbelievable how amazing all the people we’ve met are so kind, each so different and teaching us something new. I’m incredibly grateful to be a part of this world, because this is so cool… Complete strangers with such open hearts and minds to meeting us and accepting us within minutes! I’m continuously humbled by the people who keep gracing my life, even if it’s just momentarily. A lesson among itself to give back and be kind to all who enters your life… you never know when you could meet a new friend! Current moment I’ve been struck with a pound of reality since we arrived back in Reykjavik. Life is pure madness. Wild. The past two weeks have finally set in, and I have been able to reflect with a clear view of such a strange series of events. We spent the past 14 days working as egg farmers, something both of us had never done before… and probably may never do again. (But who the hell knows! That’s how wild this life is!) We were living completely isolated in a different country, not interacting with anyone except the family (and for the past week only the grandma…) and maybe a cashier if we were lucky enough to go into town. Our only connection to any outside world, was our access to the internet… That’s honestly extremely strange if you think about it. Regardless of the isolation, we got to do some really amazing things as well.. try new foods! feed horses! listen to Taylor Swifts new album 4000 times! (I wish I was joking. No I don’t. I’ve shamelessly accepted my love for her, so what.) We saw the northern lights! We hitchhiked! And now that I’m back, I feel like I was jolted with something truly special…growth, and it all hit me in one sudden moment. I took a bunch of chances, and did a bunch of things I never in a million years would’ve saw myself doing. I don’t regret a moment of it, because something came from every single thing I experienced. I’m over the moon that we’re back in Reykjavik, and feel more than ever that we truly made the right decision. For once it has hit me where I am and what I’m doing, and I’m exhilarated and inspired once again. I know we’ve turned that last page in our first chapter of this journey, and I’m excited for chapter two. :) This world is a magical, magical place and I want to seize all of it!…. ….And write it into a million little words! mlh
11/6/2014 2 Comments How I got here...So I suppose I'm going to shed a layer here, and get a little more personal. This is kind of weird for me, as I know there are people who may read this that I wouldn't want to see some of the demons I've battled. Alas, if I really want to do this, I may as well bare all. As I try to sort myself out, and gain more love within myself, I have to reflect on where I was, and how far I've come. I'm still constantly wreaking havoc on my inner voice and beating myself up over my past mistakes and battles. I have yet to learn how to forgive myself, but it's something I'm working on day after day. A year ago, I was worthless. At least at the very core of me, that's how I felt. I was drinking myself into oblivion, not taking responsibility for my actions, and blaming my flaws as a means for how I behaved, or why I was so unhappy. Point blank, I was making excuses for myself and generally living in a sea of negativity. Nothing was my fault, but everyone else's, or my life's course was to blame for why my dreams weren't coming true. I was 25, and didn't see any of the goals I had accomplished, as worthy of taking any note of. Instead, I craved more. I craved happiness, I craved success, I craved love. I constantly was seeking these things from outside sources instead of ever looking inside of myself. My self worth was completely destroyed, non existent, and because of this I was an emotional punching bag for few, which is no ones fault but my own. I had my heart shattered by others, some who claimed they loved or cared for me, and my dwindling worth made me feel as if no one would ever truly nlove me- I wasn't worthy of this. I wasn't worthy of anything. I was a complete failure, or at least these were the things I would tell myself day after day. It was sad. Looking in the mirror, all I saw was sorrow, and all I wanted was pity. Although it's something I know I'm still pulling myself out of, I can guarantee you that's not why I'm writing this. I didn't and don't deserve anyone's pity. My life is my choice and so was my unhappiness. I not only hurt myself along the way, but also caused other people pain, people I cared about. I'm still trying to forgive myself for causing other people hurt, as it's still something that weighs heavy on my heart. Someday I know I will, and although I may not be able to fix the wounds I have caused other people, I can at least have control over the wounds inside my soul that I so eagerly yearn to heal.
A year later, I have made remarkable changes in my life. And I want to take a moment to really appreciate myself, as I know how hard it was. I now see other people dealing with the sadness that lurks inside, and want to help them. The sad part is, we are only responsible for ourselves, and you can't fix anyone else. If you try to fix someone, you will only end up damaging yourself more. It's a sad reality, but something I'm learning, as selfish as it may sound. I asked someone about this one time, and they told me the only thing you can really do, is send them love and hope they feel it. If you by chance are someone who feels that heavy weight in your chest, weighing you down with a burdening sorrow, I hope you feel the love I send you. I empathize with you from the bottom of my deepest emotions. I can tell you, if you want to be happy, you will be. I am living proof. It has been one of the hardest things I've done, one of the hardest things I struggle day by day to work on, but I'm doing it, and it feels unbelievably amazing. As I said previously, this is something I am still working on. It never ends, self awareness, and self love is something you have to constantly be on top of, therefore I am not perfect, I have not reached the end of the rainbow. I am incredibly flawed, constantly making mistakes, but I am only human, as we all are. I have however, changed my life, and myself for the better. Those people who say positive thoughts create a positive life, they are right. 100% I can tell you this. I went from not seeing a purpose in life, to making my life have the purpose that I always had wanted. I still have monsters inside of me, but I am fighting them tooth and nail. A year ago, I can't even exactly put into words where I was, but for starters I was headed quickly down a rabbit hole that may have ended with my life. Not to be dramatic, but I was engulfed in unhappiness. Now I sit here in mere disbelief at how much I have achieved. I have done a complete 180. Somewhere along the way, I woke up and life was suddenly full of color again. The world started to amaze me as it did when I was just a child. I worked entirely hard to get myself where I am, and hell, I freaking deserve it. Here I am, in just the beginning of my travels, but I'm here... In one of the most magical and beautiful places I have ever laid eyes on. This place is a dream, because it is my dream, and I'm living my reality in it. I worked my ass off to get here. I mentally pushed myself more than I ever have, and worked myself as hard as I could to get myself to the place I am now. After 25 years of living in despair, on my 26th year, I have finally made some of my biggest dreams come true. All I've wanted, all I've talked about since I was in my teen years, was how I wanted to write, be behind my camera, and travel the earth. Sometimes I honestly can't even believe I'm doing it! Not only that, but I have grown inside of myself and began to appreciate life in a much bigger scheme. There is so much beauty out there, within people, within ourselves, it's incredible. As I wrote last entry, I am slowly but surely learning to love myself. It's hard picking up the pieces when you had zero self confidence and trying to convince yourself that you are worthy of all you've ever wanted. Sometimes I think I still don't deserve these things... How did I get so lucky? How did I end up here? How do I have such an amazing support system? I ask myself these things almost every day. The mere reality of it is, luck does not exist. I made this happen with every fiber of my being, and it was tough as hell. I know there are people out there who have a negative perception of me, and who may think that all of this fell into my lap, or whatever the heck naysayers think, say or do. But the hell with them, I know how hard I worked to get where I am, and I couldn't be more proud of myself. In one year, one short year, I have finally began to become someone I can be proud of. I am happier, I am kinder, I am less of an embarrassment, I am living out my dreams. I am living better than my dreams. I fall down, and no longer do I let it consume me, but I get up, dust myself off, and keep going. I have my days where I get overwhelmed, I get grumpy, I get down on myself, but knowing where I was then, and where I am now... I've come a long long way. I have begun to stop living for others, and started living for me. I am trying everyday to not worry about the approval of anyone else but myself. I have started to see a tiny glimpse of the love at the end of the tunnel. I can see you, love! I'm coming for you, and you're all mine! My love, for me. 11/4/2014 2 Comments Time.I've begun to realize how strange the concept of time can be when you're away from home, and away from the familiar. How fast the moment to moment brings a vast amount of feelings forcefully pounding against your brain thought after thought, emotion after emotion. In one minute, you feel pounds of loneliness pour into your soul and you just want to run to the places you feel the most comfortable, having conversations with the people who truly understand you. In the next moment, you are filled with the utmost gratitude for what "home" means, and those people that you left behind. I cannot even begin to describe how much I've come to appreciate who I have back in the states, and how much I hold them dear to my heart. Then suddenly, just as you feel like you might be faced in a swinging match against a panic attack, you're in fits of laughter with your best friend laughing over all the crazy emotions we're experiencing together, and separately. The moment to moment emotions happen so quickly, but all in all, time slows down immensely. Days seem to last forever, on and on and on. Thinking of next week seems to be as far away as a year from now. I wouldn't trade any of these tougher times for anything else right now. It's quickly been a wake up call as to just how fast the effects of traveling can hit you. Within a week I've gone from being on a top of a mountain (literally and figuratively) to feeling some of the woes that come along with this journey. I'm doing my darndest to embrace each and every fragment, especially the rough times. I'm learning tons of things about myself, like just how hard I am on myself and how I appreciate all these other people in my life, but never ever take a moment to appreciate myself and how hard I've worked to get here, mentally and physically. (side note: hey, thanks Mia for stepping your game up and finally doing what you've been talking about for the past decade or two.) Appreciating and loving myself is definitely something I need to, and will continue to work on. I know that's one of the main reasons I started this journey to begin with, for me. For the internal struggles and madness and love that will hit me each one by one like a ton of bricks whenever the time deem itself fit. Each chapter unfolding momentarily opening windows and doors that I didn't even know existed. This whole thing is insanely beautiful. Now that I've began to see beyond the physical scenery, and into the mountains and landscapes within myself, I can only anticipate every lesson and every battle I will be faced with.
Until then, the sweeping ticks of a clock will undo my future second after second. Dead chicken count: 3 11/3/2014 0 Comments The day of the dead...... chicken.I'm not going to apologize for this post, but I am going to warn you. It's not pretty, or poetic, or filled with lovely words that my brain loves to pour out. If you can't handle it, skip this one. I didn't start this blog for only the magic and the beauty - I wanted to document all parts. The lonely parts, the boring parts, the filthy disgusting horrible parts. So here it is, I welcome you to read about my lovely day here as a chicken farmer.
I could deal with the bloody eggs, the poop eggs, the hours among hours of putting eggs upon eggs in their little cute containers that we see at the markets. I could even deal with the complete boredom of being secluded in possibly one of the smallest towns I've ever been to, playing card games to pass the time. I could do it, no complaints. I thought I was superman of the egg farm and no task was too hard or gross. But today took a fun turn. Once you have to literally scrape a dead chicken carcass off of a cage, that's begun to rot with decay, so much that you have to break the poor things bones to get it off the cage, you've hit a limit. All bets are off. The glamour and fun fades fast, as I sit there gagging into a trash can that I just dumped a dead chicken into, with the holy smell of death seeping into my nostrils. Beautiful, just beautiful. All in all though, this is exactly what I signed up for. I knew this day would come, and even anticipated it with a bring it on attitude. I knew it wouldn't be fun everyday. I knew it was out of my comfort zone which is exactly why I chose to do it in the first place. So here I am, laughing, now that it's over, as I've completed another day here at the farm, and turned over even the grossest of pages. I imagine I have a few more chicken carcasses to collect over my next two weeks at this farm. And a whole lot of boredom. But this is where the growth happens, right? This is where I magically take some sort of education from peeling chickens off cages. I sure as hell hope so. I won't give up, and I won't stop being grateful for my opportunity here. But I will, forever, have nightmares of dead chickens. I might even stop eating them. Maybe. |
Authoron my way around the earth with one run-on sentence at a time. Archives
June 2015
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