11/12/2014 2 Comments Little girl.When you begin to live out of a backpack, you’re opened up to a new level of yourself, as you begin to look inward more deeply. No longer is your curling iron, a plethora of makeup, or an unnecessary amount of clothing at your disposal. You’re limited to maybe three outfits. You have to look beyond those surface things for confidence, as you struggle with yourself and who you really are. Your winged eyeliner that makes you feel pretty, that’s not you. Your collection of boots and beautiful shawls, that’s not who you are either. It’s all inside. And of course you already knew that, but those were your crutches you turned to express that little girl inside of you. Those were the tiny things that made you feel beautiful. At the end of the day though, they’re just things. While you know there are certain character traits that make you the beautiful human that you are, you’re unsure of yourself. Because you can’t turn to those superficial things, there are some days when you look in the mirror and don’t see a lovely girl looking back at you- you see the mask uncovered and you see the lack of confidence that you really own. You question yourself, you battle with the question of who you really are, and why that crawling anxiety is always taking up space in your mind, in your stomach, down to the aches you feel in your toes. Why am I so unbelievably hard on myself? Why can’t I look in the mirror and love that girl with every fiber of my being? Why is my ego always hanging over me like a black cloud? Why can’t I see that eternal love that is within all of us, in myself? Why can’t I convince myself that I’m the same beauty that is curtaining the mountaintops, the sun, the sky, the universe? What is it that I feel like I’m lacking to make me feel fulfilled? I know these aren’t questions I can so easily answer, for it’s just something I have to keep working on to really understand and appreciate the soul that’s covered in this body. It’s so stupid really, juvenile to only feel beautiful when you’re covered in things you love because you’re lacking the awareness of the love that runs through your veins. You constantly give it to other people, but forget to give it to yourself. At the exact same time, you constantly feel like you’re too selfish, too inconsiderate, too this, too that, to ever feel like you might be a shining star bursting with magnificence. It’s all those old scars that have shelved your insecurity from all the people who have damaged your ego with their ego. But your ego is the last thing that matters, and you know that. You know that who you are on the outside isn’t anything compared to who you are on the inside, because it’s within that’s going to change you, it’s within that’s going to make you who you are, whoever that might be. You know that there are things about you, good things, amazing things… you’re aware, but you don’t entirely believe them because you’re constantly comparing yourself to others, more creative, more intelligent, more kind. There will always be people who out-do you, and because of that, you feel inadequate. There will always be people who don’t like you, and because of that, you feel unworthy. There will always be people who with every force they can manage, will try to break you as a person (to make themselves feel more adequate), and because of that, you’ve labeled yourself as having a black heart, incapable of feeling anything… But deep down, you know you feel it all. A girl who was once the most sensitive person she knew, is now someone who shelves away a colossal amount of feelings, and doesn’t know exactly how to feel them anymore. How did I get this way? Of course I know. Because I let other people be in control of my happiness, I let other people break me down so much, that I forgot who I was, I forgot that I wasn’t the mean things they said I was. I wasn’t my mistakes, I wasn’t my flaws, I was more than that. Of course I didn’t and don’t always act out of pure love. We are all doing something terrible to one another and I’m just as guilty as the next person, but I’m trying to grow from that, because I realize that this world would be a much better place if we could all see the potential we have as human beings. We could completely change the vibrations if only we made the effort. Something I will never understand, is why other people feel the need to take stabs at another, to make themselves feel more worthy on this planet. For I know that we are all full of so much love, capable of giving so much to each other, yet we are completely only operating on our egos and out for ourselves. We are all somehow only managing to destroy everyone else’s inner peace, in hopes to somehow make ourselves feel a little better, because we are all so “broken” in a world where attack is the first instinct before love. Because of all this abundance of insecurity that we all try to mask, we bring forth jealousy, fear, and hate. We cry wolf in the name of love, but in all reality, most love isn’t love, it’s fear. We try to diminish others self worth, to build ours up, but only manage to hurt the people we “care” for, in fear of losing them. The more you manage to hurt another being, the more you feel in control of something. And as soon as someone feels as if they’re losing an ounce of control over this person, they twist the knife deeper, damaging this very same person they claim to be so full of love for. It’s the most selfish thing I’ve ever witnessed, and the sad part is, most of us are doing this every single day to almost everyone we say we love. Disgusting isn’t it? Isn’t that the exact opposite of the way you want to behave towards the people you love? We expect these same people to continue loving us when we treat them so horribly, because we aren’t treating ourselves with the respect we deserve. So we take it outward and start hurting the ones around us, the ones who see the beauty inside of us… the ones who stick around when you’re being your worst self. So I ask you, the mere few people who are reading this, as I struggle with my self image today, to take a look at yours… Are you loving the people you love? Or slowly but surely destroying them? Remind the people you care about how much they’re worth, how great they’re doing. Chances are, they’re doing their best. Thanksgiving is just around the corner my American friends, and on that day we give our thanks to things around us we are grateful of. But why not try doing that everyday? Before I go to bed, I say a long list of gratitude towards the people and places I’m glad I have around me. Almost every single night I do this. Why? Because it’s important. In a place where we often forget to be grateful, gratitude is one of the most crucial part of being. We should, every day, be giving our thanks and showing our appreciation towards the people among our lives. Not just our friends, sisters, brothers, parents, but towards every heart that’s beating on our planet. Because we are all here. We are all doing our best. We’re all in this together. We are all looking in the mirror day after day, putting on our masks, pretending, covering up our insecurity with harsh words and actions. We are forgetting to go back to our inner most being, and to be covering the world with love. I see it every day, plastered all over every social media platform I’m a part of. Hate, complaint, discouragement. Why? No one is ever telling you you have to like everything, but appreciate those for who they are. Do you know then when you “hate on” something, it’s really jealousy? Insecurity? Fear? It’s really you just not feeling validation with whom you are inside that makes you get so angry and feel so hateful towards another persons actions? Is that really the world you want to continue to live on? We are all beautiful, and we are all different, yet burning with the same love inside of us. Some of us, a little more hurt than others, and those ones, usually need the love the most. I’m entirely guilty of all of this, but I am also trying my hardest day after day. I’m a fighter, and I will keep fighting the hate that’s inside my body. Most of it, is hate towards myself, but the more hate you hold onto, the more seeps out into the world, and veers our vibrations in a negative way. I don’t want to, and will not, continue to live that way. I refuse to keep hating myself when I know that I have so much potential to love, and act out of pure love. The people who have hurt me in the past, I don’t hate them. I can’t say that I love all of them, because I would be lying. I don’t love each one, but I appreciate all of them, for now that I’ve taken my happiness back into my reigns, I can see what they have done for me. Each person who has hurt me, intentionally or not, has helped mold me into this person that I’m slowly embracing. I’m fist for fist with the poison that has been seeping in my veins since I was just a little girl. The poison that blossomed to the ball of insecurity that I've held onto. You’re anorexic, you have bug eyes, you’re an idiot. No, I’m not. I’m none of those things. I am not my insecurities that have clung to me since I was 11 years old. I'm much more than that. I’m a girl who has a bottomless pit for a stomach and can’t gain a pound for the life of her. (And I struggle with self image issues, JUST LIKE YOU...) I’m a girl with her mothers beautiful eyes, and a story just as big. I’m a girl who will continuously lack common sense because her brain is over working and preoccupied on way too many other things then to see that she might just set herself on fire if she isn’t careful. I’m a girl who pours herself onto paper, in hopes to get her analytical over-working mind to stop for just a single second. I'm a girl who has the guts to show the world how I really feel inside, imperfect, learning how to be happy with herself. I’m a girl who embraces the beauty of the world day after day, and coming to terms with accepting that the same love runs through her. I’m a girl who loves to laugh, mainly at herself and how silly she is. I’m a girl who loves to sing my heart out to pop music, and get lost in the blues. I’m a girl who grew up singing Lynyrd Skynyrd with her father, and got my boogie shoes from him and his mama. I’m a girl who loves to dance with her stringy arms and lanky long legs no matter how awkward she looks. I’m a girl who profusely believes in the power of love, time and time again, no matter how much the power of hate has went up against it. I’m a girl who refuses to do anything but wear her heart on her sleeve, because she knows that love is the biggest power of all. I'm a girl, a little girl, but don't let that fool you, cause I'm embodying a really big heart, which is not, broken, or black, but bursting.
2 Comments
Steve Donelson
11/11/2014 11:57:39 pm
Love this <3
Reply
Hannah
11/15/2014 04:30:25 am
Amazing, Mia!
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
Authoron my way around the earth with one run-on sentence at a time. Archives
June 2015
Categories |