2/25/2015 0 Comments IndonesiaWhen I first arrived in Indonesia, I remember a few people telling me that traveling through Asia is full of ups and downs. Although I only spent one month in one country of Asia, I couldn't agree more. Indonesia was a lovely place, beautiful, tropical, and the local people were so warm and friendly. Escaping the tourism was difficult, but in the few times we did, I had a chance to see how extremely different and incredible of a place I was in. By far the most different and humbling place I've ever been to, and I know for sure I will most certainly be back to Indonesia as well as explore more of Asia at a later time.
We started our travels in Sanur, Bali- heavily coated in tourism, and it felt like I was on vacation. It was nice actually to have a vacation away from traveling, as living out of a backpack for 4 months can sometimes get tiring on the body and soul. Here we had a chance to surf, make friends, and eat some of the best food I had in Indonesia at a little shop deemed "the cheap place..." Where a meal and a bottle of water was less than $2. We lost our minds one night in Kuta, took a day trip to Ubud where we saw some of the most incredible rice fields, drank "shit coffee" aka lemuk coffee, visited a temple, and had lunch among a beautiful lotus garden. The week in Sanur was my most carefree time in Indonesia, as everything following got a bit heavier for me. After a week in Bali, we took a boat to Gili Trawangan, where we spent nine days frequenting a bar off the beaten tracks *Mengong*, full of Bintang time, soaking up the sunshine, ending our nights indulging in the delicious night market and nightlife before heading to Lombok island for a week. My time here was turbulent, a mix of happiness and uncertainty. Lombok was by far my favorite island that we went to... although I wasn't able to purely enjoy it the way I would've liked to. It's the least touristy of the places we'd visited in Indonesia and was drenched in beautiful aesthetics. Waterfalls, mountains, beaches and coves. I spent a lot of time by myself here, in my head a lot and feeling out of place. However, there were some unforgettable moments spent within this island. We took a day trip to some waterfalls, and as I rode on the back of a scooter, I was able to consume myself in the beauty of this island. I recall as I sat on the back of the bike, letting the wind blow through my hair, having strange feelings of déjà vu. It was the happiest and most peaceful I felt in all of my time in Indonesia. We were able to escape the tourism completely, see inside the soul of this place, witness not one but 3 weddings, and as we got lost on our way back, I remember getting caught in the reigns of the night sky, the stars burning right through me. Our last two nights on Lombok, we were extremely fortunate enough to stay in a local village where we were greeted by some of the most welcoming and open hearted people I've had a chance of meeting. There was a definite language barrier, yet through warm smiles and spirits, I knew I was in only amazing company. It was a humbling chance to live like the locals, and peer into their life. I feel so lucky that we had the chance to do that. Although I was sick both days, I'm honored to have had that opportunity given to us. We ended our travels here on Gili Air, a quaint and quiet island, where I finally was able to catch my bearings and take in all the lessons I had learned the previous 3 weeks. In the past month, I absolutely experienced a plethora of ups and downs. Physically, I was eaten alive by some of the most lovely insects I can think of. Mosquitos, spiders, and bedbugs (hurrah!) I was sick twice, and my feet were destroyed from the moment the plane landed. Swollen for days, then blistered up by shoes, and to top it off, I wound up getting a parasite that spread all over my foot, and had I not taken care of it, would have made it's way into finding a home among my intestine. (Woo!) It was nothing, though, as all of it was almost expected entering Asia, and certainly not the worst that could happen. The hardest part was the toll that was taken on my mind. I left Europe feeling a new sense of confidence, feeling more at ease, and almost as quickly as that high arrived, I was ripped right off my pedestal for a new wave of lessons and discomfort. I hit one of the worst travel lows while here... At one point even contemplated throwing in the towel and going home. I didn't want to deal with the discomfort anymore, but I pushed through, as I knew I needed to, and I'm most certainly glad the road doesn't end here for me. It was all worth it, and the good times were amazing...how could I not appreciate this place? It's paradise. I met some beautiful souls, and took lessons from every individual that crossed my path. But my mind was always churning, always feeling crazy, and I was almost always uncomfortable. I learned the difference between feeling alone, and feeling lonely. I remembered how in Portugal I felt lonely, but here I felt alone. I almost only felt at peace when I was by myself. Which is okay, but certainly uncomfortable when you want to be social. However, I learned it was okay to excuse myself and spend time alone, because only then was I content. There were times where I felt incredibly happy, lucky, and right on top again. Followed by feelings of sadness, disdain, and unacceptance. I wanted nothing more than to be with my friends from home at times, where I knew I could talk or sit in silence without judgement or anything at all... Just comfort. I missed the comfort. I missed my parents a lot as well, and gained a new appreciation for the relationship I hold with each of them. It was harder to get ahold of them here, and I missed the comfort in my mothers voice, and my fathers words telling me to "keep plugging away, kiddo." His go-to advice. He said it to me one day on the phone, and I started to cry... His encouragement was what I had sought after. While I was here, both of my parents expressed just how proud of me they were... I could hear the sincerity in their voices, and I needed to hear it ~as I was doubting myself more than ever and it was comforting to hear them believe in me more than I believed in myself in those moments. Amidst my parents and friends back home, their love shone through to me and I deeply cherished the connection through the airwaves, as I felt their support when I needed it most. Still I had a so much time spent by myself, to become my own support and friend. Plans got crazy, yet again. We were supposed to follow Indonesia with Vietnam, but twice, for whatever reason, it didn't work out. Money was getting low, things were hectic and I thought I was stuck. I felt extremely stuck, and I wondered if going home was my only option. As much as I missed the comfort of my friends and family, as soon as I looked up a plane ticket back to buffalo, tears filled my eyes. I wasn't ready to give up, not just yet. I've been away for only 4 months. If I came home now, I'd be stunting myself in the middle of a huge growth period. After all, they say you're growing most when you're the most uncomfortable. Certainly, there's a huge dose of lessons, set backs & tribulations I learned while here, even if some of them haven't hit me yet. I do know, I've already been hit with a multitude of them here. I learned a dose of tolerance. I learned that I can still love myself when I don't feel accepted by others. I learned to trust my instincts, that I have a better hold on reading people than I ever thought, and I shouldn't forget to pay attention to that. I learned that there will always be people who try to dim your light, you don't have to let them. I learned that not everyone you meet will love you, and that's okay. I learned to find comfort in music again, and let my headphones wash away my worries. I learned about true friendship, as I extremely hold close to me the people back home, the few I've met along the way, and the one I travel side by side, whom all stay close in my heart. I learned to be my own friend. I learned to sing to myself, and enjoy my own voice. I learned I can cry on my own shoulder. I learned HOW to cry again....& that was a big one. I learned that whatever I'm feeling, I'm allowed to feel it. I learned ~I have the right to be here~ as much as anyone else. I learned that when others don't respect you, you don't need to try to earn it, or go against it either~ just let it be. People will do as they do. It is still possible to coexist. I learned acceptance in not always knowing the WHY others do what they do, to just take things as they are and appreciate the fleeting relationships that weave in and out of your life. I learned to accept change. I learned to cease control of situations and let them be as they may. I learned that we are all on different journeys, and not everyone will understand yours. This is also okay. I've learned so much about forgiveness... I learned forgiveness of the past, doesn't mean you necessarily have to let old people back into your life, but that you can think of them and smile. I'm also currently learning more and more about forgiveness as a whole and how to forgive those who intentionally or unintentionally bring you down. I learned to look at the stars, to listen to the ocean, to feel the earth beneath my bare feet (even if it includes getting a parasite because of it.. Hah) Within each high, and every low, I learned one extremely important thing... My light is mine, and even when darkness comes, I will still manage to shine again. No circumstance, person, or place can or will ever destroy that. All the bumps, the burdens, the bites and blisters.... Every minute is always worth it. So for now, Vietnam is on pause, and home isn't an option. To be honest, I can't even afford the ticket home anymore. One of the scariest risks I've taken, putting all my faith in the universe that it'll take care of me. I know it will, as I take on a whole new adventure among my path. A new place to call home for a while, and somewhere I fully intend getting back to my core and work on focusing on the things that lift my spirt and fulfill my soul. I imagined that Indonesia would be this spiritual place in which I would find my peace, but instead it shook me up, dropped me in a hole, and forced me to find my way out on my own. Extremely gratifying and I'm actually happy and grateful for everything I took away from this place. I'll be back. I thank this place and all the people who I crossed paths with. Thank you for teaching me some of the hardest yet most important lessons yet. I know from here, up is the only way.... Even if I'm headed down under. ;)
0 Comments
2/6/2015 0 Comments ConquererLife is strange, I say everyday to my best friend. And sometimes we laugh about it, and sometimes we just give each other this look of understanding, because we just get it. Life is strange.
~Wednesday~ I sit upon this island, gazing up at the moon so perfectly haloed by a cloud, struggling with some inner conflict, and in that moment, I feel completely alone, and I don't feel like myself. But upon my burdened thoughts I realize one beautiful thing: I can and am allowed to be here for myself. When the outside energies are draining me, or I'm not feeling as if my energy is high as well, I can be by myself, and I can comfort the girl inside me feeling weak. I don't need anything I'm craving on the outside because I have it all within me... I just need to realize this more, and I shall. I decide to take my discomfort with grace, as much as I possibly can. I know it's just the next step in my journey and there's something mentally that I need to push through, that I need to do on my own. Some days I'm hard on myself, others I've seen how far I've come and how my thought process has changed immensely, I remind myself to take that as a sign that I'm doing just fine. ~Current moment~ This life is sure a wave that'll blindside you within each moment. My time thus far in Indonesia has been such a mix of emotions, energies, exchanges. I'm having loads of fun, but at the very same time, there's a shift in the air that doesn't feel so easy. I left Spain feeling this new ease within myself, I knew I had grown and felt such a bond with myself, proudness and appreciation for the person I was becoming. Indonesia brought me to a stumble of sorts. Reminding me of the bracelet Rachel had gotten for Mel right before we set sail... 'stay humble at your highs, stay hopeful at your lows.' I can't quite say I've hit a low, as I'm living in paradise surrounded by such bewildering beauty all around me and I refuse to take it for granted, yet something is off within me and instead of letting it eat me, I've been trying to sort it out and be self aware of what's going on and why. Each day I get in the ocean, I sing to myself over and over the lyrics from Hang Loose by Alabama shakes, trying to let go of all the weird and uneasy discomfort that's been flowing through me. Within those moments, I lose all the hastiness and clutter inside my head. I see the waves, the reef, the lifeless broken pieces of coral beneath my feet... and I know I'm here for a reason, and that I'm very very fortunate to be here as well. '♬ put your worries on a shelf, and learn to love yourself... don't be your own worst enemy. hang loose, hang loose, let the ocean worry 'bout being blue. ♬' From the day we left home, there has been so many signs and open doors, leading us to exactly where we need to be. Sometimes it's scary, the predicaments we've managed to find, to help us prepare for the next. Downright weird things, but always making perfect sense. It's so strange and mind blowing to me how you cross paths with people and places and are lead in different directions to come to the exact moments you're meant to be sharing. How perfect it is. How much synchronicity there is in this world. Absolute magic if you ask me. So when there's uncomfortable moments, sometimes it can be hard for me to remind myself of this magic that we're living upon. Sometimes I get doubtful, and when I'm stuck inside my head, I loose the confidence I had built, watching a little girl try to piece it back together brick by brick where beams of uncertainty are trying to pull her away. When on the phone with my mom the other day, she beamed with proudness for me. Calling me a conquerer. I laughed in that moment, as I hadn't really felt like I conquered anything, yet days passed and her words have stuck with me. I've done a damn good job at what I'm doing, and I'm extremely proud of the way I've done it. How timid, shy, and uncomfortable in my skin I was before I left, as opposed to now, slowly but surely learning who I am, and how to deal with myself and the uncertainties I've carried. It's absolutely something I should commend myself for, and my mama is so right... I have conquered unbelievable amounts of fear within myself, and I continue to do so. When I was in Spain, I felt so disconnected from home. I felt like I couldn't relate to that place anymore. Here, I've felt more connected to home than I have since I left. Not in a homesick way, in a grateful way. I miss the beautiful people who love me with all they have and embrace me for who I am. I miss you guys, I wish you knew how much I love you, and how full my heart feels when I think of you. I wish so much that I could have hugs from each of you, SQUEEZES!! Thank you for standing behind me so much while I'm out here trying to figure it all out. You already know who I am, and love me for everything. I feel so happy to have people who understand me so much, who know whats in my heart and how hard I've worked to get where I am. I can't help but become a mess of tears when I think about what a beautiful bunch of souls I have on the other side of the world. Each and every one of you are my role models. I'm undoubtedly lucky to have you by my side. It's strange and beautiful connecting with new people who dance in and out of your life as quickly as they came. Sometimes its difficult, because you know it's temporary. How wonderful it is to be able to connect with people so suddenly, but how tragic is it to have to leave that behind in the blink of an eye? I feel myself somewhat trying to guard myself up this time, where in Spain I was completely open and ready to share my heart with everyone. It's made me so grateful to have people waiting for me at home, whom have known me for ages and will still be there when I return. It's these feelings, the fleetingness of traveling that has been somewhat heavy on me. At the same time, I have an irrevocable love for traveling, it's amazing to be able to form these connections with people so quickly and I think the whole art is absolutely incredible. But right now I feel as if I took two steps back, I long for the people I know I'll never have to truly say goodbye to, because I know they'll always be here. Everything is so bittersweet right now. Every. Little. Thing. but I will keep fighting until I can conquer every last fear. So much of being on the road has been finding myself only to lose myself again. I suppose there's ways to get lost and found everywhere you look. The more I dig, the more I find, and then in an instant, the less I know. It's breaking boundaries and trying to piece together the mess that spills from under them. It's like ripping open a bag of skittles too fast... they fall everywhere all over the floor, different colors and flavors. It becomes your job to pick them up, one by one. Each flavor. Each color. Some days, everything makes sense, others, I feel like I'm raw handedly climbing a rope, grasping to hang on to what I know. If only I could let go completely, maybe then things would stop shaking up so much. But I can't say that I don't enjoy the turbulence of this ride. I know that's the beauty in all of this, the continuous contradictory to the life we live and the meaning upon everything. It's moments like this where I feel like I could crumble into tears. Not upon sadness, or happiness, but just because I feel such a heavy amount of emotion flowing through my body. I can't explain what emotion, but sometimes I believe there aren't always words for the ways you feel.. as I mentioned the way I felt about love in the past post. The heaviness I feel isn't bad, at all... and nor can it be labeled as good. It's just there, scattering through my body. I wouldn't change a single thing, however. Every bit, every high, every low, is a part of me, and that's something that will never change. I may change, the way I think, the way I view the world, but my experiences will always be there, they are mine to hold, and they've all lead me to the spots I know I need to be. The lessons I need to be learning, the chances I need to be taking. The blatant imperfection, is perfection it itself. |
Authoron my way around the earth with one run-on sentence at a time. Archives
June 2015
Categories |