So I suppose I'm going to shed a layer here, and get a little more personal. This is kind of weird for me, as I know there are people who may read this that I wouldn't want to see some of the demons I've battled. Alas, if I really want to do this, I may as well bare all. As I try to sort myself out, and gain more love within myself, I have to reflect on where I was, and how far I've come. I'm still constantly wreaking havoc on my inner voice and beating myself up over my past mistakes and battles. I have yet to learn how to forgive myself, but it's something I'm working on day after day. A year ago, I was worthless. At least at the very core of me, that's how I felt. I was drinking myself into oblivion, not taking responsibility for my actions, and blaming my flaws as a means for how I behaved, or why I was so unhappy. Point blank, I was making excuses for myself and generally living in a sea of negativity. Nothing was my fault, but everyone else's, or my life's course was to blame for why my dreams weren't coming true. I was 25, and didn't see any of the goals I had accomplished, as worthy of taking any note of. Instead, I craved more. I craved happiness, I craved success, I craved love. I constantly was seeking these things from outside sources instead of ever looking inside of myself. My self worth was completely destroyed, non existent, and because of this I was an emotional punching bag for few, which is no ones fault but my own. I had my heart shattered by others, some who claimed they loved or cared for me, and my dwindling worth made me feel as if no one would ever truly nlove me- I wasn't worthy of this. I wasn't worthy of anything. I was a complete failure, or at least these were the things I would tell myself day after day. It was sad. Looking in the mirror, all I saw was sorrow, and all I wanted was pity. Although it's something I know I'm still pulling myself out of, I can guarantee you that's not why I'm writing this. I didn't and don't deserve anyone's pity. My life is my choice and so was my unhappiness. I not only hurt myself along the way, but also caused other people pain, people I cared about. I'm still trying to forgive myself for causing other people hurt, as it's still something that weighs heavy on my heart. Someday I know I will, and although I may not be able to fix the wounds I have caused other people, I can at least have control over the wounds inside my soul that I so eagerly yearn to heal.
A year later, I have made remarkable changes in my life. And I want to take a moment to really appreciate myself, as I know how hard it was. I now see other people dealing with the sadness that lurks inside, and want to help them. The sad part is, we are only responsible for ourselves, and you can't fix anyone else. If you try to fix someone, you will only end up damaging yourself more. It's a sad reality, but something I'm learning, as selfish as it may sound. I asked someone about this one time, and they told me the only thing you can really do, is send them love and hope they feel it. If you by chance are someone who feels that heavy weight in your chest, weighing you down with a burdening sorrow, I hope you feel the love I send you. I empathize with you from the bottom of my deepest emotions. I can tell you, if you want to be happy, you will be. I am living proof. It has been one of the hardest things I've done, one of the hardest things I struggle day by day to work on, but I'm doing it, and it feels unbelievably amazing. As I said previously, this is something I am still working on. It never ends, self awareness, and self love is something you have to constantly be on top of, therefore I am not perfect, I have not reached the end of the rainbow. I am incredibly flawed, constantly making mistakes, but I am only human, as we all are. I have however, changed my life, and myself for the better. Those people who say positive thoughts create a positive life, they are right. 100% I can tell you this. I went from not seeing a purpose in life, to making my life have the purpose that I always had wanted. I still have monsters inside of me, but I am fighting them tooth and nail. A year ago, I can't even exactly put into words where I was, but for starters I was headed quickly down a rabbit hole that may have ended with my life. Not to be dramatic, but I was engulfed in unhappiness. Now I sit here in mere disbelief at how much I have achieved. I have done a complete 180. Somewhere along the way, I woke up and life was suddenly full of color again. The world started to amaze me as it did when I was just a child. I worked entirely hard to get myself where I am, and hell, I freaking deserve it. Here I am, in just the beginning of my travels, but I'm here... In one of the most magical and beautiful places I have ever laid eyes on. This place is a dream, because it is my dream, and I'm living my reality in it. I worked my ass off to get here. I mentally pushed myself more than I ever have, and worked myself as hard as I could to get myself to the place I am now. After 25 years of living in despair, on my 26th year, I have finally made some of my biggest dreams come true. All I've wanted, all I've talked about since I was in my teen years, was how I wanted to write, be behind my camera, and travel the earth. Sometimes I honestly can't even believe I'm doing it! Not only that, but I have grown inside of myself and began to appreciate life in a much bigger scheme. There is so much beauty out there, within people, within ourselves, it's incredible. As I wrote last entry, I am slowly but surely learning to love myself. It's hard picking up the pieces when you had zero self confidence and trying to convince yourself that you are worthy of all you've ever wanted. Sometimes I think I still don't deserve these things... How did I get so lucky? How did I end up here? How do I have such an amazing support system? I ask myself these things almost every day. The mere reality of it is, luck does not exist. I made this happen with every fiber of my being, and it was tough as hell. I know there are people out there who have a negative perception of me, and who may think that all of this fell into my lap, or whatever the heck naysayers think, say or do. But the hell with them, I know how hard I worked to get where I am, and I couldn't be more proud of myself. In one year, one short year, I have finally began to become someone I can be proud of. I am happier, I am kinder, I am less of an embarrassment, I am living out my dreams. I am living better than my dreams. I fall down, and no longer do I let it consume me, but I get up, dust myself off, and keep going. I have my days where I get overwhelmed, I get grumpy, I get down on myself, but knowing where I was then, and where I am now... I've come a long long way. I have begun to stop living for others, and started living for me. I am trying everyday to not worry about the approval of anyone else but myself. I have started to see a tiny glimpse of the love at the end of the tunnel.
I can see you, love! I'm coming for you, and you're all mine!
My love, for me.