As time trickles past me, and the homesickness and lonely feelings come and go, I am reminded back to my very first post- where I had said I couldn't wait to get to know and test myself mentally and spiritually. Here is now and perhaps that is what is finally surfacing. For the past two months, I have definitely explored myself more and more, tested myself, broke boundaries, and surpassed some fears that I didn't even know were in me. Most of those things were a pat on the back, a reminder to take pride in myself and how much I have accomplished in such little time. Yet as I got swept up in my loneliness the other night, I was faced with the most heavy challenge to come thus far, surely not the last. I finally was able to purge some of the feelings I had been hiding within myself for so long, and come face to face with how lonely of a person I truly am and the fact that I push that far away and far down into some sort of subconscious fear of facing my own feelings, the damages and scars that I've buried into a little chest throughout my life. As long as I can remember I've been one of the most sensitive people I've known. Years ago, the littlest things would bring me to tears, so many tears. I was completely dramatic to whatever occurrence in my life, probably aiming to gain some sort of attention from my loved ones. Something was, and still is, missing within me thats been able to nurture my own soul and face my own sadness. That being said, after years of being that sad girl, I somehow stopped crying all the time, and thought I had become callous towards my feelings. Even though I knew they were very much alive, throwing stakes into my own heart, no longer could I release my emotions with tears, I instead would bury them deep within me. In the past couple years, I drowned my misery with whiskey and only then would I wake up the next morning with puffy eyes, turning to my friends for answers, who always had to pick up the pieces of their friend who ungraciously fell apart after too much to drink. That's a sad story, it saddens me to write about it, to think about it, and to face how much misery I was holding inside of me that I couldn't even deal with on a sober level. I eternally love and feel indebted for the ones who through and through stuck by me when I fell apart into complete shambles. I took my sadness out on them, I took my anger out on them. And they forgave me when I still haven't completely forgiven myself.
When I was thrown amidst my loneliness the other day, I had no choice to but to come face to face with myself, and to actually look within myself as to how I felt. The tears came. The tears from the self doubt, the loathing, the bitterness, the scars, the wounds that have been living and breeding inside of me came, and I cried and cried. It was awful and depressing within those moments. It brought me back to memories where I couldn’t leave my bed, where I had forgotten the purpose to life, where I was perpetually angry and sad and feeling pathetic. It brought me back to my darkest days, where I never ever wanted to face those feelings again. It surfaced a lot of the things that I hadn’t truly dealt with in the past few years. The times I had my heart broken, relentlessly. The times I was stepped on, crushed, or betrayed by people I had loved and trusted. The times where I let myself down, by thinking I would never accomplish any of my dreams, and that I was forever doomed by an unhappy life. The times where I had let others down, and hurt them. All the things I hadn’t forgiven myself for. All the things I hadn’t forgiven others for. It all came crashing into me, and then out of me.
While I would love to say that a good cry heals everything, it didn’t. The fact is, it surfaced it. It let me know that while I am not healed, I am healing. It brought everything to my attention, and let me know what I need to work on, and where I need to go from here. I woke up the next day, feeling a little less sad, a bit more relieved even. Now, I am clear what I need to work on next in my life. Forgiveness. With forgiveness, I know that I will heal. I know that once I can forgive others, and forgive myself, I can then begin to work on the love that is within myself. I convinced myself for a while that I had no longer been seeking love from outside sources, and while I certainly had begun to work on that, truth be told, I am always seeking love. I am a hopeless romantic, someone who constantly believes time after time, no matter how much I am let down- that true fairy tale whimsical love exists. I just have doubts I will find it, because I am filled with a haze of uncertainty and insecurity that doesn’t let me see the love that’s already inside of me. I fear everyday that I will never find another soul to love me. That I am not good enough, not intelligent enough, not beautiful enough, not creative enough. As one talks to themselves that way, it certainly will be true. From here on out, I need to keep working on that forgiveness, and talking to myself in a kinder way. The other love (the fairytale love) isn’t so much important right now, as the more I search for that, the less I will continue to work on accepting myself, which is a crucial part of my next step on this path. I know now, that I can lean on myself, I can continue to grow, blossom, and love myself for all my flaws, and all my beauties. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither am I.