Life is strange, I say everyday to my best friend. And sometimes we laugh about it, and sometimes we just give each other this look of understanding, because we just get it. Life is strange.
I sit upon this island, gazing up at the moon so perfectly haloed by a cloud, struggling with some inner conflict, and in that moment, I feel completely alone, and I don't feel like myself. But upon my burdened thoughts I realize one beautiful thing: I can and am allowed to be here for myself. When the outside energies are draining me, or I'm not feeling as if my energy is high as well, I can be by myself, and I can comfort the girl inside me feeling weak. I don't need anything I'm craving on the outside because I have it all within me... I just need to realize this more, and I shall. I decide to take my discomfort with grace, as much as I possibly can. I know it's just the next step in my journey and there's something mentally that I need to push through, that I need to do on my own. Some days I'm hard on myself, others I've seen how far I've come and how my thought process has changed immensely, I remind myself to take that as a sign that I'm doing just fine.
This life is sure a wave that'll blindside you within each moment. My time thus far in Indonesia has been such a mix of emotions, energies, exchanges. I'm having loads of fun, but at the very same time, there's a shift in the air that doesn't feel so easy. I left Spain feeling this new ease within myself, I knew I had grown and felt such a bond with myself, proudness and appreciation for the person I was becoming. Indonesia brought me to a stumble of sorts. Reminding me of the bracelet Rachel had gotten for Mel right before we set sail... 'stay humble at your highs, stay hopeful at your lows.' I can't quite say I've hit a low, as I'm living in paradise surrounded by such bewildering beauty all around me and I refuse to take it for granted, yet something is off within me and instead of letting it eat me, I've been trying to sort it out and be self aware of what's going on and why. Each day I get in the ocean, I sing to myself over and over the lyrics from Hang Loose by Alabama shakes, trying to let go of all the weird and uneasy discomfort that's been flowing through me. Within those moments, I lose all the hastiness and clutter inside my head. I see the waves, the reef, the lifeless broken pieces of coral beneath my feet... and I know I'm here for a reason, and that I'm very very fortunate to be here as well.
'♬ put your worries on a shelf, and learn to love yourself... don't be your own worst enemy. hang loose, hang loose, let the ocean worry 'bout being blue. ♬'
From the day we left home, there has been so many signs and open doors, leading us to exactly where we need to be. Sometimes it's scary, the predicaments we've managed to find, to help us prepare for the next. Downright weird things, but always making perfect sense. It's so strange and mind blowing to me how you cross paths with people and places and are lead in different directions to come to the exact moments you're meant to be sharing. How perfect it is. How much synchronicity there is in this world. Absolute magic if you ask me. So when there's uncomfortable moments, sometimes it can be hard for me to remind myself of this magic that we're living upon. Sometimes I get doubtful, and when I'm stuck inside my head, I loose the confidence I had built, watching a little girl try to piece it back together brick by brick where beams of uncertainty are trying to pull her away.
When on the phone with my mom the other day, she beamed with proudness for me. Calling me a conquerer. I laughed in that moment, as I hadn't really felt like I conquered anything, yet days passed and her words have stuck with me. I've done a damn good job at what I'm doing, and I'm extremely proud of the way I've done it. How timid, shy, and uncomfortable in my skin I was before I left, as opposed to now, slowly but surely learning who I am, and how to deal with myself and the uncertainties I've carried. It's absolutely something I should commend myself for, and my mama is so right... I have conquered unbelievable amounts of fear within myself, and I continue to do so.
When I was in Spain, I felt so disconnected from home. I felt like I couldn't relate to that place anymore. Here, I've felt more connected to home than I have since I left. Not in a homesick way, in a grateful way. I miss the beautiful people who love me with all they have and embrace me for who I am. I miss you guys, I wish you knew how much I love you, and how full my heart feels when I think of you. I wish so much that I could have hugs from each of you, SQUEEZES!! Thank you for standing behind me so much while I'm out here trying to figure it all out. You already know who I am, and love me for everything. I feel so happy to have people who understand me so much, who know whats in my heart and how hard I've worked to get where I am. I can't help but become a mess of tears when I think about what a beautiful bunch of souls I have on the other side of the world. Each and every one of you are my role models. I'm undoubtedly lucky to have you by my side.
It's strange and beautiful connecting with new people who dance in and out of your life as quickly as they came. Sometimes its difficult, because you know it's temporary. How wonderful it is to be able to connect with people so suddenly, but how tragic is it to have to leave that behind in the blink of an eye? I feel myself somewhat trying to guard myself up this time, where in Spain I was completely open and ready to share my heart with everyone. It's made me so grateful to have people waiting for me at home, whom have known me for ages and will still be there when I return. It's these feelings, the fleetingness of traveling that has been somewhat heavy on me. At the same time, I have an irrevocable love for traveling, it's amazing to be able to form these connections with people so quickly and I think the whole art is absolutely incredible. But right now I feel as if I took two steps back, I long for the people I know I'll never have to truly say goodbye to, because I know they'll always be here.
Everything is so bittersweet right now.
Every. Little. Thing.
until I can conquer
So much of being on the road has been finding myself only to lose myself again. I suppose there's ways to get lost and found everywhere you look. The more I dig, the more I find, and then in an instant, the less I know. It's breaking boundaries and trying to piece together the mess that spills from under them. It's like ripping open a bag of skittles too fast... they fall everywhere all over the floor, different colors and flavors. It becomes your job to pick them up, one by one. Each flavor. Each color. Some days, everything makes sense, others, I feel like I'm raw handedly climbing a rope, grasping to hang on to what I know. If only I could let go completely, maybe then things would stop shaking up so much. But I can't say that I don't enjoy the turbulence of this ride. I know that's the beauty in all of this, the continuous contradictory to the life we live and the meaning upon everything. It's moments like this where I feel like I could crumble into tears. Not upon sadness, or happiness, but just because I feel such a heavy amount of emotion flowing through my body. I can't explain what emotion, but sometimes I believe there aren't always words for the ways you feel.. as I mentioned the way I felt about love in the past post. The heaviness I feel isn't bad, at all... and nor can it be labeled as good. It's just there, scattering through my body.
I wouldn't change a single thing, however. Every bit, every high, every low, is a part of me, and that's something that will never change. I may change, the way I think, the way I view the world, but my experiences will always be there, they are mine to hold, and they've all lead me to the spots I know I need to be. The lessons I need to be learning, the chances I need to be taking.
The blatant imperfection, is perfection it itself.